And so... this is the end of my trip to HK!!

School is starting again, which is a good thing in a way to keep me focuz on sth else! I've come to realize I need my church life back! And I rly need God! Looking bak on my life, I realized I've rly messed up rly rly bad!! This whole pix I rly messed it all up, am I now screwed or wt? I feel stuckkk! God, but I believe n insist that there is always a door open for me somewhere! I still believe you can change things around, just with one word u can! And I am here waiting for that one word, Lord! >_<"

Lord, I know I totally walked away from my church life and my God-driven purpose in life. But I will change; I will prove to you I will come bak! Just Lord, pls pls answer my prayer! I will be a good girl, I promise >_<"

im in new orleans right now!! funeral was yesterday n now im sickk.... >_<"

anyhow, im excited to go to hk in sept!! always look forward rite?!? but b4 i rly look forward, i need to be sure im walking in the right way!! cant believe after everything I told chellis, he still thinks that the fault is on me n not wmt, is that rly true??!? of everything i did, n of everything i gave up for him, turns around the fault is on me?!? how can this be?? everytime i step into a break off like this, he holds me bak about it n questions my love for him, that if i truly love him, things wouldnt happened this way! so is it true that i dont rly love him enough?? but not that he rly loves me thatttt much either! at least, i can say i was a very true n faithful gf, but can he say that?!? honestly, im ok with the break off when its the last step i take n i can truly say i've done everything i could... but im not ok, if the fault turns out to be on me!! yes, i want to go on n try out other guys n i noe that any guy would be better than this one... but one thing i hold bak in my heart, even if i've done 99% in this relationship, if things fail to work out because of that 1%, i will regret the rest of my life abt it!! the thing i fear is regretting n i dont want to end up regretting!! i want to gv it all in b4 i rly move on to the next one! at least, at the end, i can say to myself, i tried n gv forth all i can to my ability n i hv no regrets! (*a nod of satisfaction** >_<")

now my whole family doesnt like him!! if we do end up together, i will be very "sun fu", unless he rly changes!! (which only God can do... >_<") God ar, i believe that if it wasnt ur will, i wouldnt hv met chellis, but how come everytime i've come to the conclusion to rly let go, he stops me?!? aug 27th will be the very last time i see him b4 he relocates in China! I rly want to know wt to do... i want u to speak directly of wt to do n not with so many voices ard me telling me to break up with him. If u tell me to break up n forget it, just one word i take from u, n i'll do it!! but if there is still a chance to change things ard, i want to gv it all in!!! God, only u know me most n wts best for me! b4 i didnt rly believe this, but throughout this trip to hawaii, u proved to me that u r the one n only one who knows wts best, n not myself!! pls show me black n white this thurs... i rly want to know!! >_<"

Recently, this couple days wmt has been pretty good to me! Im not as stress about him as I was b4, maybe because I see that he is getting along more with my family n that makes me feel good! I cant wait until sept when i can go to hk with him. The only concern is Im kinda nervous meeting his parents again! I want them to like me n I want to set a good example of a Christian in front of them! But on the other hand, if I dont happen to rly have a future with wmt, its better to keep a distance! Well, either way, whether o not i'll be their daughter-in-law, I want to try my best n hope they will like me for who I am.

ICCE is coming up very very soon! I hope I can manage everything and do well on my part! God rly bless ICCE this yr! Hopefully, all the preparations will be done well and all prepared!

About me n wmt, I asked him many times if he is serious with me n he says yes. I do hope his words will be back up with his actions! Somehow I do feel he cares n loves me, but then again, I cant let myself be softheart n fall for him. Its a trapppp!! I need to brainwash myself n not let my emotions for him fall in!! I can love him, but i cant have emotions for him cuz that will kill me!! arrhh >_<"

I want to get married so bad! Is that bad? I rly rly rly want to marry him!! Is that rly rly Bad?? *sigh**... honestly, if he is not the one, I want to forget everything about him n i wish he never existed in my memories n i pray HARD that he evaporates from my memory card in my heart, brain, and soul!! Is that rly rly rly BAD???? ok, that maybe too exaggerating, but anyhow, God I leave it all to You! I hope I hv a good trip with wmt in hk, and hopefully, but the time I get back, I'll have a clear answer from you about our future! If its a NO, please give me a submissive heart n a desire to let go n forget about him n pls help delete my memory card abt him n help me to totally move on!! Amen.